Remembering
This photo was taken in the Smoky Mountains July 18th, 2009
Philippians 1:3
I thank my God every time I remember you.
This Monday, July 18, will be my 35th wedding anniversary to the sweetest man ever. I say, will be, because it still, very much feels like I am married. I have yet to use the word “widow” in a conversation when I’m talking about myself. Although the other day someone asked me a question and I said that I was “single”. I immediately wanted to take it back…even though it’s the truth…it doesn’t feel like truth. Such a weird place to be in life…widow, single, alone. I can’t say that I like any of those.
This past year of my life…from year 34 to year 35 has been hard. But, like so many others who suffer and go through difficult things, I am finding that suffering, even though it is so painful, has taught me so much. Suffering and the joy of life just seem to run side by side. Every once in a while I will be more aware of one than the other…which can bring on either tears or a smile. But, for the most part my heart just holds them both.
Remembering can bring much joy…and sadness. It all depends on how I choose to look at the memory. Will I look at my memory of Rick on any given day with a feeling of great loss…or with great gratitude? Will I choose to remember him and what we shared with a heart that is pitiful and feels sorry for itself, or with a heart that is full of the power of God and His plan in mind. I wish I could say that I have always done the later. It would be a lie if I did. In the beginning, I spent plenty of time feeling very pitiful…and feeling such great loss. I’m sure God got a little tired of the “pitiful” me….smile. But, it WAS a great loss…there is no denying that. As time has gone on I have made the choice…and it is a choice…to try and see things through the eyes of gratitude and thankfulness. It has helped my heart. It has helped my prayer life. It has helped my relationship with my God. It has helped me.
Remembering my life with Rick as it was B C (before cancer) can and does make me sad. But, as weird as it sounds, even in the sadness there is such joy! When I remember how God literally took me from darkness into light by using the man Rick Starr I am in awe. Not just of the man that Rick was, but in awe of a God who would love me that much. See me in my sin and have such a beautiful plan of redemption through Jesus…via Rick. How precious is God. When I remember the family we were privileged to have together, I am filled with gratitude. The many people we met and ministered to…side by side in ministry…what a beautiful gift.
It is still a battle every day that I fight. To make the choice…every day…to look at my life…past…present…future…with a heart of gratitude. It’s not an easy battle and if I didn’t fight with the strength that the Lord gives me, I know I would loose it. I would become the pitiful wimpy person that not even me would want to be around! But, the wonderful thing is…I get to choose. You get to choose. We really do. What is it that is trying to take your joy? Steal your heart of gratitude? CHOOSE thankfulness. Keep choosing. Keep. Choosing. To. Be. Thankful.
I will not choose right every time. Neither will you. Things would be so much better for me if I did. But, praise God…I’m getting better at it. And today and this Monday, July 18th, when I will be celebrating 35 years of marriage…I choose this...I THANK MY GOD EVERY TIME I REMEMBER YOU.
So Thankful and Sending much love,
Debbie
