20 Months
Today marks 20 months since Rick exited the earth for heaven. It doesn’t seem possible…but my daily life screams that it is very real and very possible. I wish there was some way to describe life after great loss. A way to talk about it that includes the emotion of it. Grief is such a strong emotion…a very personal experience…a very long hard journey. I’ve changed…kicking and screaming the entire time…20 months of changing. And even though most changes were necessary, they were made through tears…and sometimes…anger. I now look at my world in a way that I never did when Rick was here. The eyes of my heart have changed…dramatically. I notice other people’s pain much quicker than I did before…and feel it more deeply. I am drawn like a bee to honey to people who are hurting. And I am quick to pray for their needs. But, if I am honest…some changes have not been so good. These 20 months have been a difficult journey in my faith walk. I thought that I knew my God and had a strong faith walk 20 months ago. Going through Rick’s illness and other losses I thought had made me stronger. I was so wrong. Being cast into grief…face to face with loss…we have two choices in matters of faith. We either battle it out with God and draw closer to Him…or we turn and walk away. There is no middle ground. And having known the love of God and His faithfulness…I was forced to wrestle it out with Him. I still wrestle. Daily. Sometimes hourly. Loss has affected EVERY area of my life and the lives of those I love. Our family has changed. Some good changes…some bad. And even though we have one another we each have had to go through these 20 months dealing with Rick’s loss as individuals. At the end of the day…we live with ourselves. I tell the women I teach that we have to learn to deal with stuff ourselves because we never get away from ourselves. Wherever we go…there we are. Grief has caused me to see things in myself I never knew were there. Ugly things…things that God needed to deal with. And some things He will need to deal with for quite some time. I still have many questions for the Lord. Rick himself had many questions. Why now Lord? Why me? Why a brain tumor? All of his have been answered…some of mine are still ruled with a question mark. Even though these past 20 months have held much grief…God has used them to teach me the deeper meaning of one word. TRUST. A word that I thought I understood and lived out. No. I didn’t. I have heard it said that 95% of what people fear never happens. I have asked the Lord…what about the 5% of us that our worse fears ARE realized? What then Lord?? He keeps coming back with this One Word…TRUST. I get to choose whether I will trust Him. He…I am discovering through the pain of loss…is very much worthy of my trust. No matter what. There is no other way. Either I turn my face toward Him…or turn my back to Him. Oh God, help me to continue to choose to turn my face toward YOU daily…and exchange the word grief…for…trust. Sending much love, Debbie
